Magic in the moments

It has been almost a year since my last entry, and although I constantly tell myself that I am going to do more, dive into my creative self and even tap into my past works...I still find no time, energy, focus in order to do so.  The last year has held true with what I stated almost a year ago, yet I have new things in my life that have been taking my time. Working seems to be the status quo, and all my excess energy has been focused on a relationship that not only excites me, but also scares me equally.  I am still troubled by many of the things that have made me sad in the past, my daughter, my father, my accomplishments..and I have yet to find an answer to any of them.  Yet with the added joy of new love, I have to also embrace the moments that have made life so wonderful in the last year.

My new fears and troubles have been brought before me in regards to my health, for the last 18 or so years, I have had a very inactive disease that has become a very present threat to my way of life and well being.  Am I happy?  At times, yes, but each time that I am allowed to be, I am also blind sided by the fear that this may be one of my last chances to be, and it may be best for the preparations to begin in case something were to become more serious.  Where does this take me?  I don't know, do I live the life that I want to live, do I remain careful and quiet, or do I rage into the night...into the dying of the light? Although I have always been one to finish the things I have started, I seem to be falling short lately, not in the absence of trying, but more in the absence of ability.  The next couple weeks will be difficult as I will have some concrete answers to some of the questions and unknown facts about my condition.  From there I will need to make some changes, and hopefully I will know more about where things will land by the end of the year.

This life has been kind to me, so very blessed to have been the places I have, met the wonderful people I have, experienced some of the things that only the very luckiest people on earth have been chosen to share.  I have loved like no other, I have found peace and strength in some of the things that I was always so soft and frightened of in the past.  Most of the empty spaces I once had have been filled and my achievements, although measured, are sufficient for me to feel content.  Even though at times I wonder if I could have done more, done better, I know that in the end, the only one I have to answer to is me, and the imprint I leave on this planet in the people that I have had the chance and blessing to know, touch, share, and exist with.  The magic is in the moments, the slight perfections of time that we notice and even those that slip by...I am not what has happened to me, I am what I choose to become..until another time.


K.

Predictability

I catch myself living a life of predictable and repetitious, un-driven boredom. It sickens me to look into this state and I find the need and desire to break free. Its difficult to do so at present time, things have become too comfortable and easy, which in all actuality is the logical way to stay. Yet the "real" me is the one that is sad, I turn to thoughts of lyrical truth which I have always found as self descriptive absolution such as "It's only when I lose myself in someone else, that I find myself, I find myself" -DM.  I have found medium in places other than my writings in the recent past that I can actually find pleasure in, and enjoy, and I hope to retain that talent, that skill, that outlet in helping me through this time of bland, beige existence.  The past few years I have focused a great deal if not all of my energy on a hobby which really has no reward, other than selfish seniority.  I have absolutely loved my time deep within the troughs of enthusiasts and worshipers of shiny objects.  Pleasures of speed and objectified history, it has been so entertaining and wonderful, yet it is time to reduce the amount of energy and importance that I place in it.  Which I am fine with, and feel as if I could reduce and not extinguish this passion, and still find ample pleasure.

I am finding more absence in things in the world today which has filled my life with such insight in my early years, a time which I was in no means capable of understanding or absorbing it completely.  This being said, I know that these things were so significant in society that they had such an impact on someone who just openly said that he was not able to completely understand or absorb them, yet still finds a longing and a lethargic absence of them today.  This loss, to the world has been replaced by other things, yet far less important, still necessary, but lacking substance and depth, making me feel sorry for the generations of people which I have been surrounded by in the recent years for not having such a thing in their lives.  I don't feel in saying this that I am any better, well possibly in a way, but I feel more of a responsibility to provide them insight, and or explanation in what these things were and possibly a drive to bring them back, in a way, which might provide understanding. I would love to go on to explain...yet that will take far more time than I am willing to give this thought right now.

My sense of loss in the last year has been significant more so than any other time in my life.  Coupled with that loss have been repeated accusations of a personal and hostile nature, to the behavior I have projected in recent situations.  The year has brought with it so many challenges and instances of  self reflection, more so than ever in my past, and yet I have been able to face each one in a way that I never had strength to do in the past.  This makes me feel accomplished and strong, which I never felt before in these times.  Each one offering a new feeling of confidence that proves to me that the decision of abstinence from mind altering substances was by far, the most important decisions of my life.  My purity from things has helped me in more ways than this, my health, my approach to society and the people I interact with, all, would not be the same if I would not have made that choice.  I would not be here if I would have continued on, and to that I am grateful.

To the predictable, which I despise yet am grateful for at present time, I will bid hello and goodbye to for the time being.  I wake, I work, I return to my life at home, over and again as the winter weeks bring more promise of snow.  The Snowman, a nickname of importance to myself and my one lost love Panda, and always being important because of my love and desire for the substance to be included in my life on a yearly basis, yet also because of the silence, peace, and clean world that it brings with it.  I am incomplete without one perfect moment in the snow annually...looks like this year I will have that chance. Thank you for being here in my life, for following my words and thoughts, I will bring you more, more often.

Among the Stars

Description, 

                  An unneeded deception of truth,

                                                                Most needed memories of times from our youth,

Remarkable innocence,

                                   Morality developed from others above,

Beyond life and it’s journey inwards,

                                    My experience remains surprising and un-molded,

                       Changing direction many times folded,

One mistake after the last,

                                    To this purpose,

                               Even I have become desperate to find the thing that drives my fear,

        My distance in motion, 

                                          Measured,

                                                          As I continue away from here,

                                                                                                          Home,

To long so much for a plain desire,

                                                     On and on I wander, 

To this darkness away from  the fire,

                                                         Hope,

                                                                   Beside belief,

                            Along with freedom, provides a small piece of safety,

                                      I’m allowed again to share my love,

                                            Look to the stars above,

                                               And find my space,

Among them…

K.

A Forest in Time Forgotten

A forest in time forgotten,

Through all the ages believed to be non-existent,

A simple legend that held no truth,

And in all the distant lands so many have traveled,

Never once reported,

To have grown tall from the days of it’s youth,

Now, we stand surrounded,

By solid scenes of it’s wood,

Thick portions of it’s un-traveled earth for years have seen life reside on it’s plains,

Someone must name this such forest,

Take into account it’s mystic mystery,

Which now in our path finds it,

Only steps ahead,

Soon we can see it’s wonders,

That hides deep within,

Discover new horizons,

That now include seductions of colorful sin,

So found,

All surrounds the simple belief,

None the less,

The secret resides in the passages recorded over time,

The elders take care…

The forest finds us there….

                        K.

Secrets

In natures imperfections we find,

Secrets,

Made of unbreakable stone,

Each holds,

Some of the most powerful elements,

Able to only be contained by the very will of it’s beholder,

In this absolute true existence,

Another way we discover,

How perfection is defined

Distinguished from every other kind,

In faith is found a clarity,

Unequaled in all time,

One instant,

Of bliss to experience,

At no other place will time or space allow such an event to ever present itself,

Selected,

Are thee who are given this honor to perceive,

Miracles seen each minute now passing,

These surroundings long ago created,

A crystallizing act of relation,

Between these objects of substance,

And science,

Now,

Another moment frozen,

As time stands still,

Standing here now,

In a collective silence…

                                    K.

The Adventure

The adventure soon to be embarking,

A travel into futures time,

Anticipation fills my mind,

Waiting,

So Impatiently,

Wanting it all to begin,

And end, all in one day,

So to say,

Dreaming of another Universe,

Constant Continuation of reality,

Knowledge,

And pursuit of new friends,

New religion,

Start anew, Memoirs and poems of you,

Following destiny,

Into realms of Supremacy, Some things once said to me,

And now, for Days and even more hours ticking by,

The means, the need, to travel far yet again,

For good reason, New Seasons,

And Paradise, For body, For Mind,

Spirit and soul,

To be designed,

Sometimes tomorrow never ends….

K.

Instrument

Instrument,

In and about necessity,

In order for creation,

All that may be seen,

Close your eyes,

As if to dream,

Become,

And surrender to trust,

Rely on more identifiable lust,

Subside,

Allow it to take hold again,

To evolve with creativity and fire,

Embrace desire,

Among tales of fortune and fate,

In order to arrive,

Derive,

One must not be late,

As followed,

And now addressed by name,

Traveled through hallways void,

And lacking of hope,

Obtaining then,

True sense of feelings,

Fantasies and hope,

In dreams…

I suggest,

Believing…

                                   

K.