Magic in the moments

It has been almost a year since my last entry, and although I constantly tell myself that I am going to do more, dive into my creative self and even tap into my past works...I still find no time, energy, focus in order to do so.  The last year has held true with what I stated almost a year ago, yet I have new things in my life that have been taking my time. Working seems to be the status quo, and all my excess energy has been focused on a relationship that not only excites me, but also scares me equally.  I am still troubled by many of the things that have made me sad in the past, my daughter, my father, my accomplishments..and I have yet to find an answer to any of them.  Yet with the added joy of new love, I have to also embrace the moments that have made life so wonderful in the last year.

My new fears and troubles have been brought before me in regards to my health, for the last 18 or so years, I have had a very inactive disease that has become a very present threat to my way of life and well being.  Am I happy?  At times, yes, but each time that I am allowed to be, I am also blind sided by the fear that this may be one of my last chances to be, and it may be best for the preparations to begin in case something were to become more serious.  Where does this take me?  I don't know, do I live the life that I want to live, do I remain careful and quiet, or do I rage into the night...into the dying of the light? Although I have always been one to finish the things I have started, I seem to be falling short lately, not in the absence of trying, but more in the absence of ability.  The next couple weeks will be difficult as I will have some concrete answers to some of the questions and unknown facts about my condition.  From there I will need to make some changes, and hopefully I will know more about where things will land by the end of the year.

This life has been kind to me, so very blessed to have been the places I have, met the wonderful people I have, experienced some of the things that only the very luckiest people on earth have been chosen to share.  I have loved like no other, I have found peace and strength in some of the things that I was always so soft and frightened of in the past.  Most of the empty spaces I once had have been filled and my achievements, although measured, are sufficient for me to feel content.  Even though at times I wonder if I could have done more, done better, I know that in the end, the only one I have to answer to is me, and the imprint I leave on this planet in the people that I have had the chance and blessing to know, touch, share, and exist with.  The magic is in the moments, the slight perfections of time that we notice and even those that slip by...I am not what has happened to me, I am what I choose to become..until another time.


K.