Predictability

I catch myself living a life of predictable and repetitious, un-driven boredom. It sickens me to look into this state and I find the need and desire to break free. Its difficult to do so at present time, things have become too comfortable and easy, which in all actuality is the logical way to stay. Yet the "real" me is the one that is sad, I turn to thoughts of lyrical truth which I have always found as self descriptive absolution such as "It's only when I lose myself in someone else, that I find myself, I find myself" -DM.  I have found medium in places other than my writings in the recent past that I can actually find pleasure in, and enjoy, and I hope to retain that talent, that skill, that outlet in helping me through this time of bland, beige existence.  The past few years I have focused a great deal if not all of my energy on a hobby which really has no reward, other than selfish seniority.  I have absolutely loved my time deep within the troughs of enthusiasts and worshipers of shiny objects.  Pleasures of speed and objectified history, it has been so entertaining and wonderful, yet it is time to reduce the amount of energy and importance that I place in it.  Which I am fine with, and feel as if I could reduce and not extinguish this passion, and still find ample pleasure.

I am finding more absence in things in the world today which has filled my life with such insight in my early years, a time which I was in no means capable of understanding or absorbing it completely.  This being said, I know that these things were so significant in society that they had such an impact on someone who just openly said that he was not able to completely understand or absorb them, yet still finds a longing and a lethargic absence of them today.  This loss, to the world has been replaced by other things, yet far less important, still necessary, but lacking substance and depth, making me feel sorry for the generations of people which I have been surrounded by in the recent years for not having such a thing in their lives.  I don't feel in saying this that I am any better, well possibly in a way, but I feel more of a responsibility to provide them insight, and or explanation in what these things were and possibly a drive to bring them back, in a way, which might provide understanding. I would love to go on to explain...yet that will take far more time than I am willing to give this thought right now.

My sense of loss in the last year has been significant more so than any other time in my life.  Coupled with that loss have been repeated accusations of a personal and hostile nature, to the behavior I have projected in recent situations.  The year has brought with it so many challenges and instances of  self reflection, more so than ever in my past, and yet I have been able to face each one in a way that I never had strength to do in the past.  This makes me feel accomplished and strong, which I never felt before in these times.  Each one offering a new feeling of confidence that proves to me that the decision of abstinence from mind altering substances was by far, the most important decisions of my life.  My purity from things has helped me in more ways than this, my health, my approach to society and the people I interact with, all, would not be the same if I would not have made that choice.  I would not be here if I would have continued on, and to that I am grateful.

To the predictable, which I despise yet am grateful for at present time, I will bid hello and goodbye to for the time being.  I wake, I work, I return to my life at home, over and again as the winter weeks bring more promise of snow.  The Snowman, a nickname of importance to myself and my one lost love Panda, and always being important because of my love and desire for the substance to be included in my life on a yearly basis, yet also because of the silence, peace, and clean world that it brings with it.  I am incomplete without one perfect moment in the snow annually...looks like this year I will have that chance. Thank you for being here in my life, for following my words and thoughts, I will bring you more, more often.